Confessing to Ben

‘What did you just say?’
I registered Suzie’s look of complete horror and spun round – well, as much as I could, seeing as I was sitting on the sofa and my arm still felt like it didn’t quite belong to me. But I didn’t need to look to know who had just walked in. I’d recognise my little brother’s voice anywhere – even though it’s going all husky and manly these days.
‘Ben, I…it was…it…’ Suzie stammered.
Oh stop, stop, I was thinking desperately. If you carry on, you’ll just make things worse!
‘You’re pretending you’re cross with me as an excuse to dump me? Is that it? You’re not really bothered what I’ve said about you at all?’ Ben’s face was absolutely livid. I have never seen him so incensed. He’s normally a pretty laid-back kid and almost any problem can be soothed with a chocolate biscuit but I reckoned you’d need a whole lorry full to make any progress right now. His fists were clenched, his chin was jutting forward, he was hunched in a way that made him look almost Neanderthal. The tension in the room was so palpable that Rover, who had been happily asleep by my feet, lifted his head and let out a long, piteous howl.
Which made Suzie join in. Well, she didn’t howl exactly. Her shoulders trembled, her face screwed up and she began to cry.
‘That’s not what I was saying,’ she sobbed. ‘That wasn’t it at all! Listen, I can explain everything!’
‘Suzie, I’m not sure that’s a good idea,’ I said. With Ben reacting like an enraged bull already, I didn’t think the confession of a rather steamy one-night stand was going to help any!
‘Kate, I want to hear what she has to say, thank you!’ snapped Ben, sounding so like Mum in a bad mood that I almost laughed – despite the situation.
‘I think I’d better leave you alone for a while,’ I said, tentatively, though it felt cowardly. In truth, I really didn’t want to stay there. It felt horrible. Rover let out another mournful howl. I wasn’t surprised.
‘No,’ wailed Suzie. ‘Please don’t go. I…I…want you to stay!’
That didn’t surprise me either. I wouldn’t have wanted to be left alone with Ben in that mood.
‘I’ll just let Rover out then,’ I said. ‘Or shall I go and make a drink?’
‘No, thank you,’ said Suzie, shooting me a desperate glance.
‘No – what good would that do?’ demanded Ben.
I shrugged and got up to open the door for Rover who gratefully slunk into the hall and made for his crate. The others both seemed paralysed. Except that Suzie was still sobbing.
‘So?’ said Ben. ‘What did you mean then?’
‘I…I…’ Suzie looked away. I could understand her dilemma. Ben was quite furious enough as it was. I found the box of tissues and shoved it in her direction.
‘Well?’ said Ben.
‘Oh, for goodness sake, Ben,’ I said, suddenly getting angry myself. ‘Can’t you see you’re terrifying her? You’re being really aggressive and horrible. Suzie was having a private conversation with me, at your request, if you remember and you’ve come storming in and started behaving like some Neanderthal thug! If you stopped being quite so intimidating, maybe Suzie would be able to say what she wants to say!’
For reply, Ben took some deep breaths and tried to relax his shoulders and uncurl his fists. I could see it was a real effort. Have you ever tried to uncurl half defrosted sausages? Well, it was like that!
‘OK,’ he said, clearly trying to sound more gentle. ‘Go ahead, Suzie. Tell me what you really meant, OK?’
‘You won’t go ballistic?’ said Suzie.
Ben is nothing if not honest. ‘I’ll try,’ he said. ‘It depends what you say.’
Suzie wiped her eyes, blew her nose and took a deep breath herself.
‘Right,’ she said. ‘Right. The thing is….’
And then it all came out in a rush, the whole thing, with Suzie face getting redder and redder and Ben’s expression growing more and more astonished.
‘So you see,’ she said, at last, ‘I thought I’d better dump you because – well, because if I don’t, I might do something I shouldn’t. Like I already did.’
‘But you’re still in touch with this Hamish?’ Ben asked.
Suzie nodded. ‘But it’s OK,’ she said. ‘He’s got a girlfriend. I only chat to him occasionally on Facebook. I just wanted to find him to be sure.’
‘To be sure what?’ said Ben.
‘To be sure I really didn’t like him that much. To be sure it’s really you that I want to go out with – that it was just a holiday fling – fun at the time but nothing serious.’
‘And you are sure?’ said Ben.
Suzie nodded. Tears were welling up again. I was really beginning to wish the sofa would gobble me up, it was so uncomfortable being there. This was almost worse that Ben’s anger. It felt so private, so intimate. And they were so young to be talking to each other like this. It felt as heavy as a scene from ‘Romeo and Juliet’.
‘But you’ve still got to dump me in case you do something you think you shouldn’t?’
Suzie nodded. ‘It doesn’t feel right,’ she said. ‘Maybe if we were older – maybe if we were engaged. I don’t know. I guess I just feel I don’t really know what’s right yet and I need to think about it. I know it wasn’t right to do what I did with Hamish – for all sorts of reasons. But I don’t know about you.’
And then Ben did something that made me very proud of him indeed. He took Suzie gently by the shoulders and looked into her tear-drenched eyes.
‘What makes you think I’d let you do those sorts of things with me?’ he said.
Suzie’s body jerked with surprise. ‘But you said to those boys…I thought you wanted…I thought all boys did! I thought you must be getting really frustrated with me.’
‘Maybe,’ said Ben. ‘But we’re not going to do anything that makes either of us unhappy, OK?’
‘So…so…’ Suzie looked bewildered. ‘So…you don’t mind about Hamish then?’
‘Mind?’ For a moment, Ben’s body tensed up all over again. ‘Yes, of course I mind! But it’s over, isn’t it? And I did something awful too, mouthing off like that about you. So shall we call it quits? Move on?’
‘You mean get back together?’ Suzie was staring at Ben as if she could hardly believe what she was saying.
Ben nodded. ‘Yes – if you want to.’
‘Want to?’ said Suzie. ‘Of course I want to!’
They were about to kiss – I knew they were. And I wanted to curl up and die. I think they’d forgotten I was there, this silent witness to their movie moment. I wondered whether to clear my throat pointedly or just sneak out of the door. But just at that moment, the decision was taken out of my hands. Mum burst into the sitting room, a look of terrible consternation on her face.
‘Kate! Ben!’ she said, urgently. ‘Come quickly!’