Confessing to Ben

‘What did you just say?’
I registered Suzie’s look of complete horror and spun round – well, as much as I could, seeing as I was sitting on the sofa and my arm still felt like it didn’t quite belong to me. But I didn’t need to look to know who had just walked in. I’d recognise my little brother’s voice anywhere – even though it’s going all husky and manly these days.
‘Ben, I…it was…it…’ Suzie stammered.
Oh stop, stop, I was thinking desperately. If you carry on, you’ll just make things worse!
‘You’re pretending you’re cross with me as an excuse to dump me? Is that it? You’re not really bothered what I’ve said about you at all?’ Ben’s face was absolutely livid. I have never seen him so incensed. He’s normally a pretty laid-back kid and almost any problem can be soothed with a chocolate biscuit but I reckoned you’d need a whole lorry full to make any progress right now. His fists were clenched, his chin was jutting forward, he was hunched in a way that made him look almost Neanderthal. The tension in the room was so palpable that Rover, who had been happily asleep by my feet, lifted his head and let out a long, piteous howl.
Which made Suzie join in. Well, she didn’t howl exactly. Her shoulders trembled, her face screwed up and she began to cry.
‘That’s not what I was saying,’ she sobbed. ‘That wasn’t it at all! Listen, I can explain everything!’
‘Suzie, I’m not sure that’s a good idea,’ I said. With Ben reacting like an enraged bull already, I didn’t think the confession of a rather steamy one-night stand was going to help any!
‘Kate, I want to hear what she has to say, thank you!’ snapped Ben, sounding so like Mum in a bad mood that I almost laughed – despite the situation.
‘I think I’d better leave you alone for a while,’ I said, tentatively, though it felt cowardly. In truth, I really didn’t want to stay there. It felt horrible. Rover let out another mournful howl. I wasn’t surprised.
‘No,’ wailed Suzie. ‘Please don’t go. I…I…want you to stay!’
That didn’t surprise me either. I wouldn’t have wanted to be left alone with Ben in that mood.
‘I’ll just let Rover out then,’ I said. ‘Or shall I go and make a drink?’
‘No, thank you,’ said Suzie, shooting me a desperate glance.
‘No – what good would that do?’ demanded Ben.
I shrugged and got up to open the door for Rover who gratefully slunk into the hall and made for his crate. The others both seemed paralysed. Except that Suzie was still sobbing.
‘So?’ said Ben. ‘What did you mean then?’
‘I…I…’ Suzie looked away. I could understand her dilemma. Ben was quite furious enough as it was. I found the box of tissues and shoved it in her direction.
‘Well?’ said Ben.
‘Oh, for goodness sake, Ben,’ I said, suddenly getting angry myself. ‘Can’t you see you’re terrifying her? You’re being really aggressive and horrible. Suzie was having a private conversation with me, at your request, if you remember and you’ve come storming in and started behaving like some Neanderthal thug! If you stopped being quite so intimidating, maybe Suzie would be able to say what she wants to say!’
For reply, Ben took some deep breaths and tried to relax his shoulders and uncurl his fists. I could see it was a real effort. Have you ever tried to uncurl half defrosted sausages? Well, it was like that!
‘OK,’ he said, clearly trying to sound more gentle. ‘Go ahead, Suzie. Tell me what you really meant, OK?’
‘You won’t go ballistic?’ said Suzie.
Ben is nothing if not honest. ‘I’ll try,’ he said. ‘It depends what you say.’
Suzie wiped her eyes, blew her nose and took a deep breath herself.
‘Right,’ she said. ‘Right. The thing is….’
And then it all came out in a rush, the whole thing, with Suzie face getting redder and redder and Ben’s expression growing more and more astonished.
‘So you see,’ she said, at last, ‘I thought I’d better dump you because – well, because if I don’t, I might do something I shouldn’t. Like I already did.’
‘But you’re still in touch with this Hamish?’ Ben asked.
Suzie nodded. ‘But it’s OK,’ she said. ‘He’s got a girlfriend. I only chat to him occasionally on Facebook. I just wanted to find him to be sure.’
‘To be sure what?’ said Ben.
‘To be sure I really didn’t like him that much. To be sure it’s really you that I want to go out with – that it was just a holiday fling – fun at the time but nothing serious.’
‘And you are sure?’ said Ben.
Suzie nodded. Tears were welling up again. I was really beginning to wish the sofa would gobble me up, it was so uncomfortable being there. This was almost worse that Ben’s anger. It felt so private, so intimate. And they were so young to be talking to each other like this. It felt as heavy as a scene from ‘Romeo and Juliet’.
‘But you’ve still got to dump me in case you do something you think you shouldn’t?’
Suzie nodded. ‘It doesn’t feel right,’ she said. ‘Maybe if we were older – maybe if we were engaged. I don’t know. I guess I just feel I don’t really know what’s right yet and I need to think about it. I know it wasn’t right to do what I did with Hamish – for all sorts of reasons. But I don’t know about you.’
And then Ben did something that made me very proud of him indeed. He took Suzie gently by the shoulders and looked into her tear-drenched eyes.
‘What makes you think I’d let you do those sorts of things with me?’ he said.
Suzie’s body jerked with surprise. ‘But you said to those boys…I thought you wanted…I thought all boys did! I thought you must be getting really frustrated with me.’
‘Maybe,’ said Ben. ‘But we’re not going to do anything that makes either of us unhappy, OK?’
‘So…so…’ Suzie looked bewildered. ‘So…you don’t mind about Hamish then?’
‘Mind?’ For a moment, Ben’s body tensed up all over again. ‘Yes, of course I mind! But it’s over, isn’t it? And I did something awful too, mouthing off like that about you. So shall we call it quits? Move on?’
‘You mean get back together?’ Suzie was staring at Ben as if she could hardly believe what she was saying.
Ben nodded. ‘Yes – if you want to.’
‘Want to?’ said Suzie. ‘Of course I want to!’
They were about to kiss – I knew they were. And I wanted to curl up and die. I think they’d forgotten I was there, this silent witness to their movie moment. I wondered whether to clear my throat pointedly or just sneak out of the door. But just at that moment, the decision was taken out of my hands. Mum burst into the sitting room, a look of terrible consternation on her face.
‘Kate! Ben!’ she said, urgently. ‘Come quickly!’

Suzie tells all!

I wrapped my good arm round Suzie’s shoulders.
‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Spit it out. I’m sure you’ll feel better when you’ve told someone.’
Suzie gulped and nodded. ‘It’s terrible,’ she said. ‘It’s been on my mind for just ages. And I feel like such a hypocrite.’
‘You feel like a hypocrite?’ My mind raced. Surely Suzie wasn’t about to tell me that she’d told her friends she’d slept with Ben too?
Suzie nodded glumly. ‘You’re never going to believe this, Kate,’ she said. ‘Not after what I’ve said to Ben.’
What she’d said to Ben? About what? About him talking about her as if she was a slag? Or about other stuff? I didn’t know much about what Suzie said to Ben except…except that she was very strict about what they could and couldn’t do together. As far as I understood it, she hadn’t let him go any further than snogging. Surely…surely she wasn’t about to confess to…no, I couldn’t believe it. Not of Suzie.
‘Go on, Suzie,’ I said.
And then it all came tumbling out. How it had happened while she was on holiday in the summer. There was a boy on the same campsite with whom she’d got on really well. They’d spent a lot of time together – swimming, bumming around on the beach, exploring the local town. By day three they were meeting each morning to go and buy baguettes and croissants. In the evening, they went for long walks or to the disco on the site.
‘I didn’t think anything of it,’ said Suzie. ‘I’d told him about Ben. I’d said we could only be friends.’
‘But?’ I said.
‘But…’ Suzie began to cry again and had to rummage up her sleeve for a tissue. ‘But on the next to last night, he walked me back to my tent and just as I was saying ‘Goodnight’ he kissed me. And I kissed him back. Not very much. Just a quick kiss.’
‘Is that all?’ I asked.
Suzie shook her head vehemently. ‘No – that was the trouble. Until he kissed me, it felt fine. He just felt like a friend. There was no contest. Ben was my boyfriend and there was no way I was going to cheat on him – and what was the point, anyway? After the end of this week, I was unlikely to see Hamish ever again.’
‘Hamish?’ I said. ‘Isn’t that a Scottish name?’
Suzie nodded. ‘He’s from Dundee,’ she said.
‘So are you still in touch with him,’ I asked.
Suzie blushed. ‘Only on Facebook,’ she said.
‘You’re on Facebook?’ I said, surprised. ‘I thought you’d be on My Space.’
Suzie blushed a deep crimson. ‘I joined to find Hamish,’ she said. ‘So we write – and chat sometimes.’
‘A lot?’
Suzie shook her head. ‘No – only about once a week.’
‘Well, that sounds fine,’ I said. ‘I can’t really see the problem, Suzie. I think you should tell Ben. I’m sure he would understand.’
‘I haven’t told you everything yet, Kate,’ said Suzie. ‘There’s more.’
‘Go on,’ I said.
Suzie gave me an anguished look, almost as if she was begging for mercy. I still had my arm round her and I gave her a squeeze.
‘I’m not going to shout at you, Suzie,’ I said. ‘And you don’t have to tell me, you know.’
‘Oh but I want to tell you!’ Suzie wailed. ‘I’ve got to tell someone – and you’ve got to help me sort out what to do.’
It was getting hard to be patient. I was so worried about Greg and, much as I like Suzie and really wanted to smooth things over between her and Ben, I was getting irritated. But then, suddenly, it all came out in a rush.
‘It was the last day,’ said Suzie. ‘We spent all day together and, because it was such a beautiful evening, we went for a long walk along the beach, further than we’d ever been before. Mum and Dad were fine with it. They liked Hamish and trusted him. He’s sixteen, nearly seventeen – I think they thought I’d be safe with him. He wouldn’t let me drown or anything.’
I snorted. Sometimes, Suzie’s parents, lovely though they are, seem a bit naïve. I’m not an adult, let alone a mum, but it just didn’t seem to me that the biggest risk was Suzie drowning.
‘So he didn’t let you drown but…’
‘We walked around the headland and found this beautiful little cove and then…well, then we just started kissing…and it was so warm I’d only got on my bikini and a sarong. So we laid the sarong on the sand and lay down and…’
Suzie stopped.
Please tell me she didn’t have sex with this guy! I begged God. She is seriously underage.‘And…and…’ Suzie’s head was sunk so low her chin was grazing her chest. ‘And well…Kate, I’m too embarrassed to say any more…it wasn’t that we had sex…but the thing is, I’ve never let Ben do what I let Hamish do. And I care far more about him than Hamish. It was such a stupid thing – just the end of the holiday and I was feeling sad – and it was so warm and romantic on the beach and it was just so easy. And the trouble is, Kate, it was so exciting. I really liked what we did and…’
‘And what, Suzie?’ I was trying hard not to act shocked. But I was. I mean Suzie is the same age as my little brother! And she was telling me that she’d done things with a strange boy on holiday that I hadn’t done myself! Not to mention the fact that Suzie is so conscientious about going to her church – she’s in the Salvation Army – and has been (as far as I know) really strict with Ben about doing nothing more than snogging. To be honest, I wasn’t surprised she felt like a hypocrite! She’d given Ben such a hard time about what he’d said and she’d actually cheated on him on holiday!
‘You’re horrified, aren’t you, Kate?’ said Suzie. ‘Please don’t look so shocked. I had to tell someone! I couldn’t live with worrying about it any more.’
I was struggling to know what to say. It may not sound like a big deal to you – she’d only made out with a guy on the beach and it was months ago. But it just didn’t fit with the Suzie I knew. I made a huge effort to pull myself together.
‘Suzie, it’s over,’ I said. ‘Isn’t it? It’s not like you’re seeing Hamish every weekend or anything, is it? OK, so you had a one-night stand but it’s not the end of the world. Ben need never know. Or were you thinking you should tell him?
Suzie shrugged and I unwrapped my arm.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said. ‘That’s why I wanted to talk to you.’
I was puzzled. ‘But I really don’t see the problem,’ I said. ‘It’s over with Hamish. If you can forgive Ben for what he did – and, given what you’ve just told me, I jolly well think you should – then you can just get back together and be very happy.’
Suzie shook her head. ‘But Kate – the thing is, I don’t want to stick to just snogging any more. Now that I know what it’s like, I want to go further with Ben – but I don’t think I should. So you see, I just have to dump him – and that’s why I pretended I was cross about what he’d said! So that I have a reason!’

Serious stuff!

‘I have bad news about Greg, I’m afraid, darling,’ Mum said, at last.
The look on her face was so serious that I felt an awful surge of adrenalin and suddenly my hands and legs were shaking.
‘What?’ I said. ‘What is it?’ He can’t be dead, I was telling myself, it can’t be that bad. He only rescued Biggles from the river – and he was discharged from hospital the same day! What on earth could be wrong? Maybe it was something to do with Biggles. At that thought, my heart nearly stopped, I’m sure.
‘He hasn’t had to have Biggles put down, has he?’ I said, suddenly feeling so sick that I reached for the nearly empty bowl of grapes on the coffee table. ‘They didn’t decide he was dangerous after he bit me, did they? He is so not – he’s the most gentle dog ever – that was only because he was so very distressed!’
Mum looked aghast. ‘Good grief, Kate, of course not!’ she said. ‘Everyone knows Biggles would never bite anyone normally. No, actually, Kate,’ – she looked grave – ‘it’s more serious than that. Greg has been rushed into hospital.’
‘What on earth for?’ I gasped. ‘He was fine! They sent him home!’
‘It’s because of all the river water he must have inadvertently drunk,’ said Mum. ‘At first they thought he’d just caught a cold or had the flu – but now they think it’s Leptospirosis – and that Weil’s disease might have set in.’
‘I’ve never heard of either of them,’ I said. ‘What do they do to him?’
‘Well, the leptospirosis is rather like flu but the problem with it is really that there can be nasty complications.’
‘Like what?’ I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. Greg must have them or Mum wouldn’t be looking so serious.
‘Liver failure, kidney failure – and meningitis.’
I felt as if someone had suddenly opened the door and an icy wind had blown in.
‘Meningitis?’ I said. ‘Is that what they think he’s got then?’
Mum shook her head. ‘They’re not sure. He does have a terrible headache and a stiff neck but no rash. But it’s a possibility. No, the thing they’re really worried about is liver failure. He’s become extremely jaundiced, very suddenly. It’s called Weil’s disease.’
‘I thought you said it was called lepsori – thingy whatsit.’
‘Leptospirosis. Yes, it is – Weil’s disease is a complication of it.’
‘So is he going to be all right?’
‘Kate, they can’t be sure. He’s very poorly right now. He’s in intensive care.’
I burst into tears. ‘Why did no one tell me?’ I sobbed. ‘What if I want to visit him?’
‘We didn’t tell you because we didn’t know. No one knew till the early hours of this morning when he staggered into his mum’s room with the awful headache. The thing with leptospirosis is you start with flu symptoms and then they stop – and then all the complications start – if they’re going to.’
‘And they have?’
‘Yes,’ said Mum. ‘I’m afraid so.’ She handed me the box of tissues. ‘But you must remain positive, Kate. It is treatable and it’s not that rare. The doctors know what they’re doing – and he is young and strong.’
‘But how did he get it?’ I demanded. ‘Just through being in the river?’
Mum nodded. ‘Yes – it’s often passed on through rat’s urine – and he swallowed quite a lot of water. Kate, you can’t visit him at the moment, I’m afraid. No one can except his parents. He’s really, really poorly.’
She came and crouched by my side – which if she hadn’t just told me such terrible news, I couldn’t have helped smiling over. When she squats down like that, her bottom half looks like a Sumo wrestler, she has such an enormous bum. But her top half is wonderfully cuddly and I wrapped my arms around her neck and buried my nose in her hair – which is black with magenta streaks at the moment.
‘Can we pray for him?’ I whispered.
‘Of course,’ Mum said.
There are some advantages in having a mum who is a part-time vicar. Very good in the sort of crisis where there’s absolutely nothing you can do except pray! Of course, I joined in. But it was great to have her there to start me off and to keep my mind on the job. I don’t know about you but my mind wanders dreadfully when I’m praying, even when it’s something really serious. Anyway, we prayed for Greg and his Mum and Dad and when we’d finished, I felt slightly better. It must be awful if you don’t believe in praying at all. What do you do in a real crisis? What do you do when there’s someone you care about in trouble and there’s nothing else you can do? It must be agony. I think that, even if I didn’t believe in God, I’d still give prayer a go. I mean, it would be worth a try!
There was a tap on the door.
‘It’s OK, Suzie!’ Mum called. ‘You can come in now – that is all right, isn’t it, Kate?’ She got up and opened the door and then disappeared into the kitchen
I nodded, blowing my nose at the same time. I didn’t mind what state Suzie saw me in – and I still hadn’t talked to her about Ben, what with the accident and everything.
‘I didn’t know you were here,’ I said. ‘Is Ben around?’
Suzie shook her head. ‘No – I texted him to check. He knows I don’t want to see him till I’ve talked to you.’
‘He must be really fed up,’ I said. ‘He wanted me talk to you days ago.’
‘I know,’ said Suzie, ‘but you know what Ben’s like. He gets in a real state about things but then, when he’s calmed down, he’s the most laid-back person I know. That’s one of the things that’s really great about him – especially when you’re used to my family. They run on rails!’
I laughed – and then felt guilty. I had forgotten about Greg for a moment. But Suzie must be a mind-reader.
‘You can’t worry about Greg all the time,’ she said. ‘Life goes on, you know.’
‘I know, I know,’ I said. ‘It’s just – how can I have forgotten the state he’s in already?’
‘You haven’t,’ said Suzie. ‘You’ve just remembered him, silly! Just pray every time he flashes through your mind. I would!’
‘Well, you’re a much better person than me,’ I said. ‘Which reminds me – we’d better get on and talk about this fiasco with Ben telling people he’d slept with you – the stupid, stupid boy.’
Suzie was looking at the floor.
‘What’s up?’ I said. ‘Lost something?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I just feel awkward with you saying that I’m a better person than you, Kate. I’m so not honestly. I’m just so not.’
I looked at her red cheeks quizzically. ‘What is it, Suzie?’ I said. ‘Something’s really worrying you, isn’t it?’
To my surprise, Suzie, who is always so jolly and buoyant, began to cry.
‘Oh Kate, you’re not going to believe this,’ she sobbed. ‘It’s bad – it’s so, very, very bad…’

A bloody mess!

It took three firemen to get Greg and Biggles out of the river. I could tell from the way Greg let one of them wrap a supportive arm round him that he had had enough. But he wouldn’t let go of Biggles and he didn’t take his eyes off him. Slowly, wading against the current they brought the big dog in. It was clearly a massive effort. He’s huge and his coat is thick and heavy. I had to let the rope go slack – there was no point in pulling – Greg could only go as fast as they could move Biggles. There was a painful silence as Suzie, the remaining firemen and I waited, our eyes peeled for signs of life. I wanted to ask, to shout out to Greg but I couldn’t bear to. From where we were standing, Biggles looked like a dead-weight. There was an uncomfortable lump in my throat and my eyes were smarting. Please God, please don’t let him be dead, please God, I was praying silently and then, And if he is, please don’t let me be useless.
And then Suzie gave a cry.
‘He rolled his eye,’ she said. ‘I saw Biggles roll his eye!’
‘Are you sure?’ I said.
‘Yes – watch!’
Suzie was right. Biggles was holding his own head up and yes, his terrified eyes were rolling. Moments later, we were all trying to beach him, the three firemen, Greg, Suzie and I. Stupid. Suzie and I should have stood back. We weren’t really needed. But we were so relieved and excited, we weren’t thinking straight. I reached out to grab Biggles’ collar and help haul him in – and that’s when it happened. Poor Biggles must have felt utterly threatened by the sudden hand looming by his nose – and he snapped, his huge jaws clamping my wrist in an agonising grip. I screamed – I couldn’t help it – and Biggles snapped again. Greg was too shocked and exhausted to help but the nearest firemen knew what to do. He rammed his fingers and thumb into the corners of Biggles’ mouth and his jaw dropped immediately. He was too tired to hang on anyway.
I looked down at my arm. Blood was seeping rapidly from four wounds. I could see they were deep and you know how it is – once you see the damage, the pain suddenly hits. My knees buckled, my head span and I would have landed in the river myself but for the quick reactions of one of the waiting firemen. The next moment, I was sitting on the bank with my head thrust between my knees and my arm held in the air. And then someone was saying, ‘Is this the casualty?’ and someone was explaining that there was another one as well and the riverbank suddenly seemed full of people, some of whom I recognised and some of whom I didn’t but my mind felt so woolly that I couldn’t decide what was what and when someone started lying me down and lifting my feet in the air, I didn’t complain, I was suddenly immensely cold and I remember thinking that I shouldn’t be cold, that I hadn’t fallen in the river – it was Greg who was cold, he and Biggles – and I remember trying to ask what had happened to them and whether Biggles was going to be OK and someone said, ‘Stop trying to talk, please, Kate. Your friend and the dog will be fine.’ And after that, I must have blacked out.

After that, it was all as you might expect – ambulance, hospital, stitches, blood transfusion – yes, poor old Biggles had nicked an artery – and eventually, home, wonderful home. I wasn’t long in hospital so I didn’t have visitors other than family. I really didn’t want them. I felt absolutely exhausted and I hated the bed, the noise, the food, the lights – and so I was determined to do as much as possible to get myself home as soon as the doctors would let me – and that involved sleeping while they dripped antibiotics into me from a bag. They were worried that I’d get something nasty both from Biggles and the river water so I was going to be on antibiotics for a while – but as soon as they could, they’d have me off the drip, onto tablets and I’d be allowed home. I never realised how much I love my chaotic house, so cosy and comfortable and easy to be in, until I was faced with the misery of being helplessly pushed around by other people in hospital. And there was another thing too. Mum and Dad both insisted that everything was fine. Greg had been checked over in hospital and sent home and Biggles had quickly recovered from his adventure. All the dogs had got home safely – Suzie and her dad had dealt with that. I wasn’t to worry about our new au pair (whose name, incidentally, is Veronique) – she was going to stay with the Petersons for a week instead of me – Mrs Charming could find plenty for her to do. All I had to worry about was getting plenty of rest and recovering as fast as possible. But I knew there was something else – something they weren’t telling me.
I found out what it was the day after I got home. I’d had visits from Chas and Mrs Peterson and Vicky – and Suzie had texted to ask if she could come round later that evening. Ben was being very attentive to my every need – he wanted me in ‘sorting it with Suzie’ mode as soon as was humanly possible. But I hadn’t heard anything from Greg. Well, fair enough. Before the crisis with Biggles, we hadn’t been on the best of terms. And although he was back in school, he must have been feeling pretty rough. I wasn’t really expecting a visit, was I?
Well, yes, I was actually. Of course I was. I’d taken a big part in rescuing his beloved dog. I’d stopped him from panicking, lent him my phone, found the life-belt, held the rope while he played the hero – yes, I was expecting something, a text at the very least. Or even a Get Well Soon card. I don’t want to over-dramatise but I’m told the paramedics did do that thing where they wrap you in foil because you’ve lost so much blood. And I know it wasn’t Biggles fault, he’s a lovely dog and he was just very distressed – but you’d think if your dog had bitten the girl you claim to fancy like mad, you might do something. Even if your head is fuddled by dunking it in the river. So I was surprised and, frankly, a bit naffed off that I’d heard nothing at all.
And then Mum came to talk to me. I knew it was serious by the look on her face. She sat down on the end of the sofa where I was lying watching ‘Friends’.
‘Can we turn this off for a minute?’ she said.
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘I’ve seen it before anyway.’
There was silence. I suspected Mum was praying. She’s like that – always putting the odd word in when there’s something big going on.
‘What is it?’ I said. ‘Come on – put me out of my misery. What’s going on?’
Mum took a deep breath and began.

Dog Trouble!

‘Kate!’ There was no mistake. Greg was waving urgently at me and then broke into a run.
‘Curses,’ I said to Suzie. ‘What on earth does he want?’
Greg panted to a stop beside me while Chloe slobbered cheerfully over Darcy and Fairfax.
‘What is it?’ I asked, icily.
It was as if he was wearing a tog 50 duvet. My sub-zero vibes had no impact whatsoever. But then I understood why.
‘Kate, Biggles has fallen down some sort of storm drain and I can’t get him out,’ he gasped. ‘He’s howling away down there and I can hear gurgling. I don’t know if he’s in the water or what – and I left my phone at home. I was going to stop someone – and then I saw you and…’
He stopped. Suddenly he couldn’t say any more. I could see the panic in his eyes. Mr ‘I’m so cool’ was in complete melt-down – he was battling back tears of real fear.
I put one hand on his forearm.
‘It’s all right, Greg,’ I said, rather as I might to one of my little sisters. ‘You need to ring the fire-brigade. They’ll know what to do. But you need to calm down and explain exactly where this drain is.’
Then I got out my phone, dialled 999 and handed it to him.
Greg rolled his shoulders back and took a deep breath. ‘Hello?’ he started. ‘Hello? Yes, the fire service, please…’
I turned to Suzie while he explained.
‘Is it OK if we go with him to this drain?’ I said. ‘I don’t think we should just leave him. I’m really sorry.’
Suzie nodded vigorously. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘I won’t be able to think of anything else until I know Biggles is OK.’ She looked at me anxiously. ‘Do you think he will be?’
I hadn’t dared think about that. It’s best not to let your mind wander to worst case scenarios when you’re in a crisis – it doesn’t help!
‘Only one way to find out,’ I said. Greg handed my phone back. ‘Come on,’ I said. ‘We’d better run.’
‘You’re coming with me?’ Greg looked startled.
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘Maybe we can get him out ourselves. Just move!’

The drain was below the exercise trail, slightly obscured by grass – but I was still surprised I’d never come across it before. I’ve been that way so many times.
‘The cover’s off,’ said Greg, seeing the question on my face. ‘Vandals, maybe? I don’t know. Anyway – Biggles fell in – he maybe smelt a rat or something.’
We peered down the hole. It was dank and dark and you couldn’t see the bottom. There was no sound except the gurgling of water.
‘Biggles? Biggles?’ Greg shouted. In reply, there was a mournful bark, but it sounded tired and faint, not the sort of sound you expect from a big dog like a Newfoundland.
Greg called again. Again the faint bark. Fairfax, Darcy and Chloe were frantic. It was hard to stop them throwing themselves down the hole after Biggles
‘Maybe one of us should go to the park gates,’ I panted, battling to hold the dogs back. ‘You can drive down here – but it’s not obvious which way to come. And maybe we should tie these dogs up.’
‘I wish they’d shut up,’ said Greg. ‘I can’t hear Biggles for them barking.’
‘I’ll go to the gates,’ said Suzie, eagerly. ‘Shall I take one of the dogs?’
‘I doubt if they’ll go, ‘I said. ‘No – you just get down there as fast as you can, Suzie. Come on, Greg, we’ll have to tie these three up – there’s nothing we can do with them leaping around like this.’
‘There’s nothing we can do anyway,’ said Greg. ‘And Biggles sounds so tired.’
I looked at his white face and decided he needed to pull himself together.
‘Stop it, Greg!’ I said. ‘You’ve given up already – and the firemen haven’t even got here yet. Now help me with these dogs.’
It was as if I’d slapped him in the face. Suddenly, he was alert. He let out an angry little breath between clenched teeth. Then…
‘You’re right, Kate,’ he said. ‘I’m being pathetic.’
Moments later the dogs were tied to a push-up bar and we were back by the hole.
‘Biggles?’ Greg called.
Nothing.
‘Biggles? Biggles?’
Still nothing.
‘BIGGLES?’ Greg’s voice was desperate now.
Silence.
Greg’s eyes seemed to bulge with panic.
‘He’s drowned, Kate – he was in the water and he couldn’t stay up any longer! Kate, Kate, he’s drowned!’ He had his hands on my shoulders, his fingers gripping me in desperation. I took hold of his arms and shook him.
‘Stop panicking, Greg!’ I told him. ‘Think – this drain has to go somewhere – if maybe he’s got washed away – maybe we can…’
‘The river!’ said Greg. ‘It’ll discharge into the river!’
I didn’t argue. It seemed obvious. I was vaguely aware of a siren in the distance but there was no time to lose. We slid down the bank to the river’s edge and sure enough, a concrete pipe stuck out from the bank, water gushing from its mouth into the current.
‘There’s Biggles!’ I shouted pointing.
And there he was, his nose just breaking the surface, his paws scrabbling feebly.
I had to hold Greg back to stop him jumping in straightaway.
‘Wait!’ I shouted.
‘There’s no time!’ Greg snarled at me.
‘Then you go in with a life-belt and I’m holding the rope!’
I scrambled back up to the path; I knew there would be a life-belt nearby and, thank God, there was, only twenty or so metres away and – thank God even more – it hadn’t been vandalised.
I grabbed it, hurled myself down the bank again and more or less threw it round Greg’s neck. Quickly, he pulled it on properly, scrambled out of his trousers – his shoes and jacket and T-shirt were already off – and jumped into the river.
He’s a good swimmer and he struck out fast. The current wasn’t particularly strong and Biggles hadn’t drifted far. My worry was how I was going to hang on to the life-belt rope once Greg had hold of Biggles. He was about 70 kilos of very exhausted dog. I refused to believe that he was dead. Did Greg have any chance of rescuing him? I had to believe that he did. I prayed that he would. Some people don’t think God cares about dogs – but I don’t believe that. How could the creator of a beautiful animal like Biggles be indifferent when he was in danger? Not to mention what losing him would do to Greg! I watched, letting the rope pay out through my hands, wanting to close my eyes and open them again when it was all over but not daring to. Greg was within a metre now, his hand stretched out. Thank goodness Biggles would be wearing a collar. At least that gave Greg something to grab.
I could hear the fire engine screeching to a halt behind me but couldn’t bear to take my eyes off Greg. With a sudden lunge he was there and yes – he had hold of Biggles.
‘Got him!’ he spluttered. I could scarcely hear him. ‘He weighs a tonne!’
‘Shall I pull?’ I wasn’t sure if pulling would help. It might just mean Greg would lose his hold.
‘Just try and hang on!’ Greg shouted. ‘It’s not deep – I can stand – but I can’t drag him in – he’s just too heavy.’
Greg sounded calm and efficient. He was doing his utmost to save his dog – there was no space for panic now.
The firemen didn’t seem to need any explanations. Suddenly one was standing beside me, helping me hold the rope. Two – no, four appeared in those huge black dungarees that they use for wading.
‘Just hold on, Greg,’ shouted one. ‘We’ll have you and Biggles out shortly.’
They’re good at all that stuff, the rescue services – using your name so you feel like they really care. Susie must have told them all the details. But I think they do really care. I mean, I would if there was someone in terrible danger – I can’t see how you’d ever get used to it.
It always feels like forever when you’re waiting to find out something really important. From the moment the firemen lowered themselves into the water, I had no doubt that Greg was going to be all right. But what about Biggles? It was impossible to tell from the bank. And the firemen seemed to move as slowly as astronauts. Was Biggles dead or alive? How long before I found out?

Telling it how it is!

Very gently, I slid my hands down Chas’s arms until I was holding his wrists. I was longing to look at the floor but I knew that wasn’t fair or honest, so I toughed it out and met his eyes full-on.
‘Chas, I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I think I need to think about it. I’m pretty mixed up at the moment, actually.’
Chas nodded. He was biting his lip.
‘Me too,’ he said and I could see the white marks his teeth had made from the pressure. He was blushing now. ‘It’s not that I don’t like you, Kate – I like you loads. You’re the most important person in my life – well, maybe Mum and Dad are a bit more important but not by much. And I can’t bear it when things go wrong between us…’
I nodded. ‘It’s the same for me,’ I said.
We were holding hands now and he gripped mine firmly.
‘But the thing is…well, the thing is…well, it’s almost like you’re my sister. When I kiss you, it’s nice but…
‘It isn’t very exciting?’ I finished for him. ‘The earth doesn’t move?’ He was saying so exactly what I felt myself that my knees felt like giving way with relief.
He smiled wryly. ‘I’m sorry, Kate,’ he said. ‘Does that sound really terrible? I’m not saying you’re not hot – you are – seriously, you are. Well, you can tell that from the way other boys behave around you.’
‘Greg, you mean?’
‘Not just Greg!’ he said. ‘Haven’t you noticed the others?’
I stared at him in disbelief. ‘No, Chas, I have not!’ I said. ‘You sure you’re not imagining things?’
Chas shook his head. ‘Certainly not,’ he said. ‘Honestly, Kate – you need to be careful. You could turn into a real heart-breaker. That’s why I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me.’
‘Something wrong with you? What d’you mean?’
‘Well, I keep getting told how lucky I am and how fit my girlfriend is – and yet… I…well, I don’t…I don’t…’
He was getting so tongue-tied that I decided the kindest thing was to help him out.
‘You don’t really fancy me,’ I said. ‘That’s it, isn’t it?’
‘Yes – in fact, I even began to wonder if I was gay. Not that I’ve got a problem with that – it’s just, I’d rather not be. I mean, can you imagine telling my dad? So…well…I don’t know whether I should tell you this…’
I squeezed his hands again. ‘Go on,’ I said. ‘You might as well. Anyway, I think I can guess.’
Chas swallowed hard. ‘The thing is, I sort of tested myself.’
‘Oh yes?’ I said, barely able to keep the giggle out of my voice. ‘How?’
‘A one night stand,’ he said. ‘With this girl who’s the daughter of one of my dad’s business colleagues. She’d come with him to go pony-trekking near here and then stayed on for tea. And well – one thing led to another. You know how it goes?’
So that explained his arm round the strange blonde!
‘It’s OK,’ I said. ‘I saw you with her, actually.’
Chas was incredulous. ‘You never said anything!’
It was my turn to blush. ‘That’s because I was so naffed of with you that I snogged Greg. And that hasn’t been the only time, either.’ Now I really couldn’t resist staring at my feet.
To my relief, Chas burst out laughing.
‘What are we like?’ he said. ‘Do you want to go out with Greg then?’
‘I…’ I was about to say I didn’t know. And then I realised that wasn’t true. Because I did want to go out with Greg. He fascinated me. And I knew how it made me feel when he touched me. I wasn’t at all sure I should go out with him. He didn’t seem safe; I wasn’t sure I could trust him. And I knew there were big differences between us – for one thing, he didn’t believe in God, and I do – passionately. I have my doubts and my questions, of course, and I generally give God a hard time – but I do believe in him – and Greg doesn’t. But I felt like I just had to try things out with Greg. If I didn’t I would feel like a wimp. And I would never know what might have happened if I had.
‘Yes,’ I admitted. ‘Yes, I do want to go out with Greg. D’you think I’m mad?’
Chas shrugged. ‘Who am I to talk? I went out with Carly! And Greg’s all right. He’s a bit of a player – but I think he’s genuinely keen on you, Kate. He’s not had a girlfriend for ages. I think he’s waiting for you.’
Very gently, Chas kissed me on the forehead and then let go of my hands.
‘You’re very special, Kate,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve messed you about.’
‘You haven’t,’ I said. ‘I think I’ve messed you about more.’
Chas shrugged. ‘Maybe we’ll still end up together one day,’ he said.
I smiled. ‘If no one else will have us,’ I said.
‘I might hold you to that,’ said Chas. ‘Now are you going to ring Greg and make him really happy?’
‘No, I’m not going to do anything about him until I’ve tried to sort out this mess with Ben and Suzie,’ I said. ‘Honestly, why they come running to me, I have no idea. I can’t even sort out my own life!’

I avoided Greg at school next day and he avoided me. It was all very well telling Chas how I felt but I hadn’t a clue how I was going to deal with the situation. It could wait, however. Greg wasn’t going anywhere. I had other things on my mind. My walk with Suzie.

When I got to the park gates with Darcy and Fairfax, (there had been no sign of Greg at this house, thank goodness), Suzie was already there, her own German Shepherd dog, sitting patiently on the pavement.
When she saw me her face lit up and my heart sank. I just hoped I wasn’t going to mess this up. Ben was relying on me and Suzie clearly had something important she wanted to discuss – with me, Little Miss Muddle herself!
The dogs covered my confusion, however, enthusiastically investigating each other in that wonderfully direct doggy way that makes human greetings look robotic.
Then, as soon as we’d let them loose and they were bounding ahead of us over towards the pond, Suzie followed their example and launched straight in.
‘I could get over what Ben told his mates,’ she said, honestly. ‘And my parents understand. They like Ben. They’d forgive him. Dad says he wishes he had a pound for every time he’d bragged about something stupid. Mum says we all learn from our mistakes. I’m dead embarrassed. But if I really care about Ben, I should stick by him. Show people I’m not bothered – that he matters enough that I’m not going to dump him just because he’s upset me.’
‘So why aren’t you?’ I said.
‘Because….’ Suzie stared into the distance. I could see that she was screwing up the courage to say what she wanted to say.
‘Go on,’ I said, gently. ‘It can’t be as bad as all that.’
‘You think?’ she said.
‘Just tell me,’ I said. ‘I’m not going to say anything to anyone else, I promise.’
At that moment, I heard my name called. And I recognised the voice. I couldn’t believe it. Bad timing or what?
I turned round irritably and, hurrying towards me, was the last person in the world that I wanted to see right then.

Sorting it with Susie

The only trouble was, I couldn’t think what to do. It felt like I ought to sleep on it but Ben had been so distraught and so desperate that I knew he wanted me to do something straightaway. I thought of him struggling away at home, being so upset and being expected to be polite to the new au pair – who had obviously just arrived – and my heart went out to him. It’s exhausting being that upset and trying to put a brave face on it. I sent him a text:

Say you’ve got a bad headache or something and go to bed. Mum and Dad will manage. I’m on the case, OK?

Then I marched over to the house and knocked lightly on the door of what the Petersons call ‘the family bathroom’ which really means Chas gets it all to himself. Mr and Mrs Charming have one to themselves and the guest room has an en suite too.
‘Chas?’ I said. ‘Can I talk to you?’
‘Not through the door. This about Ben?’
‘Yes.’
‘Give me a few minutes. Want to go and make a drink?’
So that was me dismissed. But at least he was quick. And when he arrived in the kitchen, he wasn’t sporting a towel but he did look extremely Johnny Depp with his wet hair and a quality bath robe.
‘So?’ he said. ‘All right to talk here? Mum’s having an early night and dad’s watching TV.’
I nodded and handed him the hot chocolate I’d made.
‘I’m going to have to talk to Suzie,’ I said. ‘But I’m not sure how. Should I phone or My Space her? She might just cut me off if I phone but if I My Space her she might not even answer.’
‘D’you need to talk to her tonight?’
I nodded.
‘Well, she might not even be on line. You have to phone.’
‘But I don’t want to,’ I said. ‘I won’t know what to say. And she’s furious with Ben – so she might be furious with me. You don’t mess with Suzie, Chas!’
Chas handed me his phone. ‘Just do it,’ he said. ‘It’s getting late. Her parents are strict. She might not be able to talk later.’
I stared at the phone.
‘Her number’s on there,’ he said. ‘I sometimes have to phone her if I want to speak to Ben.’
I still hesitated.
‘Surely Ben can’t really want his big sister to ring his girlfriend?’ I said.
Chas gave me a sick parrot look. ‘Do it,’ he said. ’Ben’s waiting. I’ll stay right here, OK?’
‘Is that to make me feel better or to make sure I do it?’
‘Both.’
I found the number and called. She picked up almost straight away.
‘Chas?’ she said. ‘He’s not here. I…’
‘Suzie, it’s Kate,’ I said. ‘Ben’s….’
‘Kate!’ There was a silence and I wondered if she was drawing breath to shout at me. Instead, she burst into tears.
‘Has Ben told you?’ she sobbed. ‘Has he told you what he did?’
‘Yes. I’m really sorry, Suzie. He’s been a complete jerk. But he does know that. And he’s really sorry.’
‘I know – I know he’s sorry. And I don’t want to split up with him, Kate. But…but…well, what he’s told you isn’t the only thing – there’s something else. I….’
She broke off. I could hear her mum talking to her in the background. It was clear she was being told to get off the phone and go to bed.
‘Kate?’ She’d got a grip on herself and was being very quiet. ‘I have to go – but I really need to talk to someone about this. Someone who’ll understand. Can I talk to you, please?’
‘Me? But I’m Ben’s sister. I’m kind of on his side – I mean, I know he’s completely let you down but he’s still my little brother and I love him.’
‘But so do I!’ She was beginning to cry again.
‘Ssh!’ I said. ‘Look at the ceiling. You can’t cry when you’re looking up – it’s a well-known fact.’
‘Is it?’ She gulped.
‘Yes. Now how about we go for a dog walk together tomorrow evening? D’you know I’ve got this job walking dogs for Greg’s mum?’
‘Yes – Ben said.’ Her voice broke on Ben.
‘Right,’ I said briskly. ‘I’ll meet you at the park gates at 6.30pm then.’ Inwardly, I was thinking there was a bonus here for me – it would be hard for Greg to tag along and right now that seemed like a jolly good idea. ‘And don’t worry – whatever it is. I’m sure it can be sorted out, all right?’
‘I’m not,’ said Suzie, ‘but thank you!’
‘Well done,’ said Chas. ‘You’d better ring Ben.’
Ben was harder work.
‘Tell me what she said,’ he implored. ‘Just tell me what she said. I can’t wait till tomorrow evening. I feel terrible.’
‘I’m sorry, Ben,’ I said. ‘She didn’t say much at all. Just that she wanted to talk to me.’ I didn’t mention that she’d said there was something else – Ben had enough to worry about. ‘Now, have you met the new au pair? What’s she like?’
‘I didn’t notice,’ said Ben. ‘Not as pretty as Belle.’
‘Typical!’ I said. ‘You are so shallow sometimes, Ben!’
‘I’m upset!’ he protested. ‘What do you expect? A deep personality exploration?’
‘Oh, I’ll find out anyway, won’t I? She can’t be as bad as Belle was when she first arrived.’
To my surprise, at that moment, Chas slipped his hands round my waist and hugged me against him.
‘Say goodbye,’ he whispered in my ear.
I tried to frown sideways at him but then he kissed my ear-lobe and then my cheek and…
‘Well, night night then Ben,’ I said. ‘Better pray your big sister can sort this out for you. And if I do, you owe me, right?’ Then I ended the call.
‘Kate,’ said Chas, turning me to face him. ‘Are we…well, you know…’
‘What?’ I said. He was holding me gently and looking more deeply into my eyes than he had ever done before.
‘Are we…are we together? Or are we just messing about? Experimenting? I need to know.’
I looked away. Then I looked back. I knew I had to be very careful indeed what I said right then.

Broken-hearted Ben

‘What’s happened?’ I demanded. The look on Chas’s face was so grim that I felt quite sick. ‘Dad hasn’t had an accident, has he?’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, Kate.’ Chas’s expression changed immediately to one of real concern. ‘No, of course he hasn’t. No, it’s nothing like as bad as that. Crikey, Kate, you’d better sit down – I’ll make you a mug of tea!’
I must have gone quite white; I was certainly feeling shaky. The events of the last few hours had been really unsettling. I sat down abruptly.
‘Tell me first, Chas,’ I said. ‘Tell me whatever it is that’s wrong.’
‘It’s just Ben,’ Chas said, dropping tea-bags into mugs. ‘He rang. He wanted to talk to you and was hoping you’d be with me. He didn’t want to catch you with your mum or mine. Really he wanted you to go back home for a bit but I said I didn’t think that would be possible.’
‘Ben?’ I squawked. My little brother Ben is, on the whole, the most laid-back, sorted individual I’ve ever met. There’s little that upsets him that a chocolate biscuit can’t put right – and he regularly talks sense to me when I’m throwing a wobbly. ‘What on earth is the matter with Ben?’ I demanded.
‘Suzie’s dumped him,’ said Chas. ‘Yes, I know – no one saw that one coming – but she has!’
‘But why?’ I was completely gob-smacked. Suzie and Ben have been an adoring item for so long that I was having difficulty taking in the news.
‘He wouldn’t tell me – he just wanted to talk to you.’
My eyebrows shot up. Ben and Chas are very close. I couldn’t see any reason why Ben would want to talk to me and not to Chas.
‘I know,’ said Chas. ‘I don’t get it either. I don’t like it – feels like it must be something really bad. You’d better ring him. But…’ Chas hesitated.
‘What?’ I said. ‘What now?’
‘Well…I guess I’d better warn you. He was crying when he rang. Really crying. Like I haven’t seen him cry since your mum had her accident.’
Mum fractured her skull in a bike accident nearly two years ago. We thought she might be going to die. That was why Ben had cried. So Chas was right. This sounded really bad. I got out my mobile.
‘I’ll go and have a bath,’ said Chas. ‘Leave you in peace for a bit, OK?’
I nodded and smiled and tried to bury the thought that however much Greg turns me on, he doesn’t understand me as well as Chas does.

‘Ben,’ I said. ‘Ben, Chas says you rang. He says…’
‘Suzie’s dumped me.’ Ben got the first two words out and then his voice cracked on the third. ‘And it’s all my fault.’ Suddenly he was sobbing down the phone, trying to tell me something but not making any sense at all.
‘Ben, Ben, calm down,’ I said. ‘Take some deep breaths. I’m not understanding a word of this.’
‘I want you to come home, Kate,’ Ben sobbed. ‘I want to talk to you. You’re a girl. You have to tell me what to do.’
‘Ben, I can’t!’ I said. ‘I’ve only just got here and I’m not on my bike! What’s going on there? Has Dad got back yet?’
‘No.’
‘Could you talk to mum?’
There was a snort. ‘No way,’ said Ben. ‘I couldn’t – honestly. Kate, I so want to talk to you – I so want you to be here.’
I sighed. There was no way I could go home. ‘Ben, just tell me what you’ve done to upset Suzie, OK? Then perhaps I can help.’
There was silence.
‘Come on, Ben – ‘fess up! You haven’t cheated on her, have you?’
‘No way.’ He sounded shocked. Then…’It’s kind of worse than that, really.’
‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Spit it out. You’ll feel better once you’ve said it.’
There was another silence and I could hear Ben breathing hard. My mind was going over all the dreadful possibilities there could be but I couldn’t believe any of them of Ben and Suzie. To be honest, Ben is pretty fit and could have the pick of half a dozen girls so the most likely scenario seemed to me to be that he’d snogged someone else for some reason – but he’d denied that.
At last Ben said something.
‘What was that?’ I said.
‘I was bragging about her,’ said Ben. ‘To some other lads.’
‘So?’ I said. ‘What’s the big deal? Anyone would if they had such a lovely girlfriend.’
‘It was what I said.’ I know Ben pretty well. I could tell from his voice that he was curled up with embarrassment.
‘Go on,’ I said.
‘I can’t say it,’ said Ben. ‘But, Kate, you know how strict Suzie is – how we can’t do anything much else but snog – well, the lads go on about it and keep asking if I’ve gone any further and keep making out I’m a loser because we haven’t so…well…so…well, I said that we had.’
‘You didn’t say you’d had sex with her!’ I was horrified. They’re both under-age. Ben could be about to be in big trouble!
‘No – of course not – I’m not saying what I did say – but the trouble is, it’s got round our year and it’s got exaggerated and well, some kid at her church heard it and told their youth leader and the youth leader told her parents and they went ballistic with Suzie – and so she’s dumped me.’
‘Have they made her dump you?’ I asked.
‘No – at least, I don’t think so. She didn’t say they had.’
I didn’t think they would have either. Suzie’s parents are pretty strict and they’re very serious about their faith – they’re members of the Salvation Army – but I didn’t think they’d try to force Suzie to dump Ben if she didn’t want to, whatever she was supposed to have done.
‘It’s because she’s so angry with me. She says that whatever she says, people will think she’s a slag now – and she can’t believe I could do that to her, just so that I look cool with my mates. She says she thought I was different but I’ve shown her that, underneath I’m just a pathetic sheep who wants to follow the flock.’ Ben’s voice broke again.
‘She actually said that?’ I said. I could believe it. It’s just the sort of slightly wacky but very mature thing Suzie would say.
‘Yes,’ Ben sobbed. ‘And she’s right. It was pathetic and I’m so, so sorry and I’ve said I am but she says it’s all very well being sorry now but how’s that going to stop people thinking she’s a slag? And even though she’s told her parents we never did what they’ve heard, how can I ever face them again? So that’s it, Kate – it’s the end and I just don’t know what I’m going to do. And Mum’s calling me ‘cos Dad’s just got back so I’m gonna have to go – but you have to think of something, Kate, because I just can’t stand feeling like this – it’s just awful.’
And then he ended the call and I stood there staring at my phone, wondering what on earth I could do to help. I felt like ringing Suzie straight away and telling her not to be so stupid – but she’s a feisty kid and I couldn’t see that going down very well. But I was convinced she couldn’t really want this. She and Ben got on so well. Unless…and I so hoped this wasn’t the case…Suzie was finding that Ben had become for her like Chas was for me – someone you really, really care about but you just don’t fancy any more. Except that right then, I suddenly had a mental picture of Chas all clean and fresh after his bath and wearing a pristine Peterson thick-pile towel round his waist and suddenly I wasn’t so sure I didn’t fancy him after all.
I shook my head. Whatever. This was no time to get distracted! I had to work out what to do!

Oh no, not again!

There’s one good thing about staying at the Petersons’ – oh, that’s not fair, there are many good things, actually, I’m just a bit too stressed at the moment to dwell on them – no, the one good thing I’m thinking of is that I still have access to the Internet any time I like as Chas’s mum says I can use the computer in what she calls here ‘boudoir’ (looks like a chintzy cross between a snug and a study to me). So I can still keep this blog going. Which I jolly well need to. So I don’t explode. Will I survive the week here? I don’t know. This first night hasn’t got off to an exactly easy start – and I’ve only been here a few hours!
I raced over to Greg’s as fast as I could.
‘What’s up?’ he said. It was pretty obvious from my appealing sweat patches and my scarlet face that something was. Panting, I explained.
He pulled a face. ‘Well, that’ll be nice then,’ he said. ‘A whole week in the same house as lover boy.’
‘Greg – don’t call him that!’ I said. ‘It’s so…’
‘What?’ said Greg. ‘That’s what he is, isn’t he? As far as you’re concerned.’
I turned away. I just didn’t know how to answer. What is Chas? I just don’t know any more. ‘Look,’ I muttered. ‘Can we not talk about Chas? I’m sorry I told you I’m staying there. It’s not like I really want to.’
‘Why on earth not?’ said Greg. ‘It’s like a photo-shoot for ‘Homes and Gardens’ from what I hear. Why not just enjoy?’
‘Yeh, but I’ll have to mind my ps and qs all week. The only escape is Chas’s outhouse and I don’t know how much he’ll want to have me hanging around in there – or how much I’ll want to either.’
‘You’ll have a bedroom, won’t you?’ said Greg. ‘You can get loads of homework done.’
‘Yeh, I guess.’
We were both silent.
‘I’ll get the dogs,’ said Greg.
I stood outside the gate, churning things over in my mind. What was the matter with me? Why wasn’t I thrilled at the thought of spending a whole week at Chas’s house? Why did I think he wouldn’t want me hanging out with him? OK, so his mum could be a bit much and I was guessing I’d have to be a lot tidier than I was at home but all that was trivial really.
Greg returned, the dogs straining at their leads.
‘Oh come on, Kate,’ he said. ‘Look pleased to see them, at least. They’re thrilled to see you – and if you bite your lip any harder, you’ll get right through to your chin!’
I smiled limply and half-heartedly made a fuss of the dogs. Then we set off. For a while, neither of us said anything. Then, when we had turned off the road into a field and had let the dogs go free, Greg turned to me.
‘Why don’t you accept it, Kate?’ he said. ‘It’s not working with Chas. He’s a great friend – but that’s all. It’s not the end of the world.’
I stared at the ground. I didn’t dare look at him. I knew if I did, I would either cry or kiss him – or both. I love Chas – I really do. I’ve been so close to him for so long and we’ve been through so many ups and downs – but right now, he feels more like a brother than someone you’d go out with. And I don’t know how to tell him. Or get over it myself. I guess I’ve been thinking for years that eventually we would go out together and it would be fantastic. And now we sort of are – and it just isn’t.
And then Greg took me by the shoulders and pulled me gently towards him and I looked up and – stupid, stupid, stupid! – then we were kissing – again!
It took me until my knees began to melt before I pulled myself away.
‘No!’ I said. ‘No, Greg – don’t!’
Greg stood, hands on his hips, his face turned down and away, his lips clenched.
‘You know what, Kate?’ he said. ‘You need to sort yourself out. Decide what you want to do. ‘Cos what you’re doing right now is doing my head in.’
That made me angry.
‘What I’m doing?’ I snapped. ‘I didn’t grab you by the shoulders! I didn’t say it wasn’t working with Chas! I’m sure you know how I feel at the moment and you just keep taking advantage!’
‘Yeh – like you don’t want me to!’ said Greg.
We stood facing each other, glaring furiously.
‘I think,’ I said, ‘it would be best if I took Fairfax and Darcy one way and you went another, all right? And tomorrow, I’ll walk them on my own, if you don’t mind!’
Greg turned on his heel. ‘Suit yourself,’ he said. ‘Chloe! Biggles!’
The next moment Chloe and Biggles came racing towards him, tongues hanging out, tails flailing.
‘I’ll take them to the park,’ he said. ‘You go there tomorrow and I’ll come up here. Then there’ll be no chance you’ll have to see me – except at school, of course.’
With that, he stalked off. And I burst into tears.
Fairfax and Darcy had come running back too. They sat either side of me and whined. Darcy laid her big paw on my thigh. I sank to me knees and wrapped my arms round them both.
‘What am I going to do?’ I sobbed. ‘What am I going to do?’

What we did, of course, was finish the walk. The great thing about having a job, whatever it is, is that whatever other rubbish is going on in your life, you still have to do it if you want to be paid. And I did. And even more, I wanted to prove to my wretched mother that I could do a job that didn’t involve counting coffins! I returned the dogs at the right time, rushed home, packed my bags and Mum gave me a lift out to the Petersons.
Mrs Charming Peterson came gushing out into the yard to meet us.
‘Kate! How lovely! What a surprise this is! Jo, I know it must be a terrific nuisance for you – but how delightful for us to have Kate here for the week. I know Chas is absolutely thrilled. Kate, come in and I’ll show you your room and then you must go over and talk to him – he’s in his outhouse – of course!’
Mum did the goodbyes quickly – she had plenty to do back home to get my room sorted out for our unexpected guest, even though Belle and Ben had promised to help. Then I followed Mrs Charming up the stairs.
Well – you should see my room! It is gorgeous! All snowy white with old lace trimmings. The bed is one of those antique brass ones with rails and lovely shiny knobs at both ends – the sort that just make you long for Christmas so you can hang up your stocking. There’s no carpet, just dark, polished boards but there’s the thickest, softest, whitest sheepskin rug beside the bed. The duvet must be goosedown or something – it’s so thick and light and it crackles slightly when you touch it. It’s all so restful and comforting, I just wanted to go to bed straightaway. But no such luck.
‘Now put your things down, Kate – you can unpack later. Chas’ll be wanting to see you before you turn in – better get over there or he’ll be wondering what’s happened to you. Cocoa in about half an hour, all right?’
There’s no fighting Mrs Charming when she’s decided something. I’ve tried and failed before. That’s why Chas escapes to his outhouse so much and Mr Peterson escapes to commune with his pigs. So off I went to see Chas.
He was playing on his computer when I walked in.
‘What do you think of this then?’ I said, breezily. ‘I’m here for the week.’
Chas spun round on his chair to look at me. There was a very serious expression on his face.
‘Yeh – I know,’ he said, ‘and don’t think for a moment I don’t want you here, Kate, it’s just…’
‘It’s just what?’ I said.
Chas sighed. ‘Kate…well, I don’t know how to tell you this…but something’s happened...’

The day after the night before......

Everything always seems better in the morning. Have you noticed that? I have a favourite poem by someone called Fleur Adcock about it:

Things

There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
Committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
Than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
It is 5am. All the worse things come stalking in
And stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse and worse.

That’s how it felt last night. I was a complete slut for snogging Greg, he was a complete player and so was Chas, the blonde I saw Chas with was a complete – no, I won’t say it – I was never going to survive a day in school, avoiding looking at either Chas or Greg and I was going to have to give up my dog-walking job out of sheer embarrassment. I would then be doomed to hours spent in the garage counting cardboard coffins whilst my mother said, ‘I told you so.’

Right, so none of that happened. None of the things I was worried about turned out to be a problem. It was other things that did.

Our new au pair, for example. She’s arrived. A week early.

We were eating tea when the phone rang and I was getting pleasantly excited at the thought of my dog-walk with Greg. I’d hardly seen him at school but he was fine with me when I did. It was Dad that picked up.
‘Pardon?’ he said. ‘What? You’re where? What? I don’t believe it!’
Naturally, by this stage, we were all glued to his every word. He put his hand over the mouth-piece.
‘You will never believe this!’ he said. ‘Déjà vu or what?’
‘Déjà vu?’ said Mum. ‘Why? What’s going on?’
Dad eye-balled her impressively. ‘It’s our new au pair,’ he said. ‘She’s at Victoria station. She’s just arrived by Eurostar. I’ll have to go and get her.’
‘But she’s a week early!’ said Mum. ‘That’s far worse than Nic. He was only a day early. Where on earth are we going to put her?’
We all looked at each other in consternation while Dad told the new au pair to go and get herself something to eat – he was on his way but it would be a couple of hours before he got to London to pick her up.
‘How’s that happened?’ said Ben. ‘A whole week early?’
Mum reached for her diary and flicked through it. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘It definitely says next week in here – and I’m sure I was most careful about telling her when I wanted her – after all that trouble with Nic.’
‘Maybe she is stupid,’ said Belle who doesn’t mince her words. Well, we were all thinking the same thing – we were just too British to say so.
‘Oh no,’ said Ben. ‘We’ve never had a stupid au pair before.’
‘Thank you,’ said Belle. ‘I will take this as a compliment, no?’
‘It doesn’t matter how stupid she is, we’ll have to find somewhere for her to sleep for a week,’ said Mum. ‘Anyone got any ideas?’
We stared glumly round at each other. Every inch is accounted for in this house. Even our dog, Rover, has to sleep in a puppy-crate festooned with drying nappies. He should have an ordinary dog-bed by now but Mum says the puppy-crate is far too useful to get rid of. It’s great for drying socks and pants too. You can get an awful lot hung up to dry, slotted through the wire on the top. The only downside is that occasionally Rover gets bored with his lack of view and pulls down the odd sock or pair of pants to chew. I never quite fancy wearing them again after they’ve been in Rover’s mouth for an afternoon. I know that isn’t logical – if they’re clean, they’re clean – but – well, no, I just don’t fancy it, that’s all.
‘I could sleep on the sofa,’ suggested Ben, ‘or Kate could.’
‘And what if anyone wants to watch late night TV or has friends round?’ asked Mum. ’It’d never work – not for a whole week.’
‘Kate and I could share for a week,’ said Belle.
Now that just shows what a changed character Belle is. When she first arrived, I don’t think she knew the meaning of the word ‘share’ – and I don’t mean there was a problem with her English! I smiled at her, quite flattered she was prepared to offer, but Mum squashed the idea.
‘No, this is your last last week here, Belle,’ she said. ‘You might want to have friends to stay-over yourself. And it’s not fair on either you – no, we’ll have to think of something else.’
‘Right, I’m going,’ said Dad, putting the phone down at last. His voice had got more and more clipped and irritatable as the conversation had gone on – unusual for Dad. ‘So you lot have got about four hours to come up with a bed for her, OK?’ he said.
With that, he swept out. If a pony-tail can look annoyed, his did! (Wish he’d have it cut off - it’s in beautiful condition and all that but it is a bit has-been.)
‘Maybe…’ said Ben, ‘Maybe I could go and stay with Susie for a week.’
‘Yeh, right,’ I said, ‘like her parents would allow that!’
Susie is Ben’s long-standing girlfriend and her whole family goes to the Salvation Army. You should just see what Susie can do with a tambourine! It’s called being a timbrellist and it you think she sounds like a geek, think again. You would be amazed. Anyway, her parents like Ben a lot but there is no way he is allowed to stay over at their place. I can understand why. As little brothers go he’s great – but there is a disturbingly mature glint in his eye when he’s around Susie!
‘No, that wouldn’t work,’ said Mum, slowly, ‘but I’ll tell you what would. Kate could go and stay with the Petersons. They’ve got plenty of space and it’d be no problem getting to school.’
‘What?’ I said. My jaw fell open and I dropped the spoon that I’d been using to help Hayley finish the last of her fromage frais. She wasn’t impressed – she reached out her chubby little hand and slimed me, quite deliberately, I’m sure – but I had more serious worries. ‘What?’ I said again, aghast. ‘I can’t stay there!’
‘Why on earth not?’ said Mum. ‘It’s only for a week – and it’s not as if Chas and you are going out or anything.’
Ben, Belle and I exchanged glances. You know how you can do that sort of flicker with your eye-balls that means ‘no’? I did it then. No, if Mum was too thick to realise that things weren’t quite as straightforward with Chas as she thought they were, then I didn’t want anyone explaining right now – things were just far too complicated at the moment. Better to bite the bullet and do what she suggested. Though how I was going to survive a whole week with Mrs Charming Peterson gushing at me, I didn’t know. And just what would a whole week of evenings in the same house do for my relationship with Chas? Of course, I’d be out walking the dogs for a good hour each day – gosh, I was going to be fit; I’d be cycling over to Greg’s to do that – but how was Greg going to react to the situation? He shouldn’t react at all, of course. We are not an item. The kiss was a mistake. But somehow, I just didn’t think it was going to be as simple as that.
‘Well, I need to go,’ I said, retrieving the spoon and wiping Hayley’s sticky fingers with a cloth.
‘So is that OK then, Kate?’ asked Mum. ‘I can’t think what else to do. Of course, they might say ‘no’…’
‘They won’t,’ I said. ‘You know what Chas’s mum is like – she may be irritating but she’s just about the kindest person I’ve ever met.’
‘Bet she lets you use all the fancy stuff in their bathroom,’ said Ben. ‘And you’ll have those posh towels that are so thick and fluffy, you can bounce on them.’
Belle laughed. ‘You’re not jealous, are you?’ she said, wiping Rebekah’s hands while Mum phoned.
I decided to go. I knew Mrs Peterson would say ‘yes’. So it looked like I’d be doing a late night removal to Chas’s house. I decided I’d better get the dogs walked before someone decided I wouldn’t have enough time tonight – there was no way I was going to miss it.
Really, I should have been worried about the au pair – Dad had looked extremely stressed when he got off the phone and it didn’t look like it was all about suddenly having to drive to London. Instead, I quickly got ready to go out, agonising over whether to tell Greg I was moving in with Chas for a week. As it turned out, that was the least of my worries.

The Other Woman!

Oh, oh, oh – why is life so complicated? I’m never going to get any sleep at this rate!
Greg rang about half an hour after I got back from the walk.
‘Soooo….’ he said. ‘Was that just to make Charming Chas jealous or am I in with a serious chance here?’
I winced. I’ve always thought of Chas’s mother as Mrs Charming Peterson – and it hasn’t exactly been complimentary. Don’t get me wrong – I’m very fond of Chas’s mum, as it happens. She’s a very kind woman – but so over the top Homes and Gardens! Charming with several capital Cs. I’m never quite sure how Chas turned out so normal. He has a dad who’s virtually an elective mute – he says more to his rare breed pigs than to his family – and a mother who could almost put Dame Edna in the shade!
Anyway…the immediate problem was how to answer the question.
‘Mmm…er…I…I…’ I managed and then gave up.
‘Doesn’t sound overwhelmingly hopeful,’ said Greg.
‘N – no,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. I should never have…you see…well, I just…’
‘You just saw them together and you were upset and I was there and it just happened.’
‘Well, you did start kissing my face!’ I said, indignantly. He didn’t need to pretend it was all my fault.
‘You were crying. I didn’t have a tissue.’
‘Yes, I know,’ I said. ‘Haven’t you heard of sleeves?’
Greg laughed. ‘Very unladylike,’ he said. ‘And wouldn’t you rather use me? You seemed to be enjoying it.’
I could feel myself blushing scarlet, embarrassed both by the idea that he now saw me as a user and because he was right, I had enjoyed it. Just thinking about it now had set my heart racing.
‘Greg, I didn’t mean it like that – I didn’t mean to use you,’ I blustered. ‘And it was….’ I paused, trying to think what I could say that sounded good but not too enthusiastic. I couldn’t think of anything. ‘Nice,’ I said, at last.
Greg laughed but it sounded hollow. ‘Nice,’ he said. ‘Damned with faint praise or what? So I didn’t manage to lure you away from Chas with my great skill as a kisser then? Even though he’d got his arm round the neck of some sexy blonde?’
‘Greg, stop it,’ I said. ‘I’ve said I’m sorry. It was a mistake, OK? I was upset and you were there and you were kissing my face and…’
‘I was nice. It’s OK. I get the picture. So that’s it with the dog-walking then, I take it? You’d prefer to go alone.’
There are all sorts of expressions for what happened to me next. My heart sank. My heart flipped. My heart turned over. What it really felt like was that an armoured hand – think ‘Knight’s Tale’ (RIP Heath Ledger) – think the awful bad guy that gorgeous Rufus Sewell plays – grabbed my heart and squeezed hard. Whatever. I knew I wanted to walk the dogs with Greg again tomorrow, whatever had happened today.
‘Oh, I don’t mind if you come,’ I said, ungraciously. I was trying not to sound too keen, too desperate. I was trying to be neutral, cool, like a friend rather than someone whose legs were quaking at the thought of having snogged him half an hour ago. Because that’s what I was, wasn’t I? A friend. Just a friend who’d got a bit carried away in a moment of upset – and who had, if I was fair to myself, followed his lead.
‘Wow, feel the enthusiasm!’ said Greg, coolly. ‘I can hardly wait!’
‘So will you come then?’ I asked, half-dreading, half-longing for his reply.
‘I’ll think about it,’ he said. ‘OK?’
‘OK.’ What else could I say? But I knew that every waking moment between now and then was going to drag.

After I’d put the phone down, I tried to get on with my work but I was horribly distracted. I felt so confused. Chas is so important to me. We’ve been friends for so long. If things are bad between us, it’s unbearable. And I’d reacted so strongly at seeing him touch that strange girl – I’d cried, for goodness sake! So I must really care about him. And yet kissing Greg has been so exciting – I’d never felt anything like it before. My entire guts seemed to melt and go quivery.
What on earth was going on?
‘Dear God,’ I said out loud. Sometimes, when I’m really confused, it helps to pray out loud. It clarifies things for me and helps me concentrate – and I really say it, if you know what I mean. It’s not just half-sentences mangled around in my head. It’s the whole works. Sometimes I really give God a tough time that way. I did today.
‘Dear God, this is ridiculous,’ I said. ‘I am so confused. I don’t know if I love Chas but don’t fancy him - or if I fancy Greg but don’t love him - or what – or both! Actually, God, both would make sense – but then what am I supposed to do about it? Should I be going out with one of them – or neither? I can’t exactly go out with both, can I?’
When Christians are stuck, they often get told to ask, ‘What would Jesus do?’ You can even get little WWJD bracelets to remind you. Well, it’s all very well, but nine times out of ten, I can’t work out what Jesus would do because I can’t see him in that situation. I mean, as far as we know, Jesus never even had a girlfriend, unless Dan Brown is right in that stupid book ‘The DaVinci Code’ and I don’t think he is for a minute.
But it was worth asking the question, all the same. ‘OK, God,’ I said. ‘What would Jesus do?’
No thunderbolts or mysterious writing appearing on the wall. Instead my mobile began to ring.
I glanced at the display. Chas. Now what? Suddenly, there was that chilly jealous dread making the inside of my stomach crawl. What would Jesus do? I had to really hold onto the fact that he would pick up the phone and be pleasant. You didn’t see Jesus going round being a jealous cow, did you? Not that he had anything much to be jealous about – well, except of course, of other people’s lives! His was a bit cut short, after all. If I was going to be crucified, I think I’d be pretty jealous of the people who weren’t! Anyway, he wouldn’t be rude to Chas when Chas hadn’t actually done anything to justify being rude about. So I answered the phone.
‘So how did the dog-walking go?’ he said. ‘Was it OK with Greg?’
So he can’t have seen Greg and me snogging. Phew! I drew a great big inward sigh of relief. You see, I’m not as bad as I thought I was. I hadn’t wanted to make him jealous – it was all down to wretched Greg kissing my tears away. But I thought I’d drop a hint and see what happened.
‘Yeh, it was fine,’ I said. ‘We had to go to the postbox and then to the park. We’d rather have gone in the fields but his mum had some stuff she wanted posting.’
‘Oh – I didn’t see you down there,’ said Chas. ‘That’s what I was ringing to tell you about, as well.’
‘What?’ I said, curious to know what explanation he was going to come up with.
‘Just that we had this family over for dinner – some big business associate of my dad’s – there’s talk of them working together over marketing pork products. His wife and daughter came too.’
‘Oh. Were they nice?’ I asked.
‘Yeh, yeh, they were OK. I took the girl for a walk – showed her round a bit. They’re going to be moving here soon, apparently. They’re coming to look at properties at the weekend – to rent, I think, at the moment. The girl doesn’t want to be dragged round all day so I suggested she hung out with me – well, us – for part of the time. Is that OK?’
‘What’s her name?’ I said, desperately trying to cover the tremble in my voice.
‘Felicity – but she prefers to be called Fliss.’
‘Oh, OK, then,’ I said as calmly as I could. ‘I’ll look forward to meeting her then.’
A few minutes later, I hung up. Then I flung myself on my bed and thumped my pillow in a frenzy. I thought I’d got the better of my jealousy for good. Obviously not. And what was I jealous for anyway? I wasn’t even sure how I felt about Chas at the moment – not now I’d gone and confused everything by snogging Greg!

Out with Gorgeous Greg

Right! Where do I start? Where do I start? This has been one of the most mind-blowing evenings of my whole life. OK, let’s start at the very beginning.
When I got in from school, Belle, our French au pair was busy in the kitchen with my baby sisters. They were having a fine old time, chasing slices of banana round their dishes, squishing them and prodding them and generally making sure they were well dead before they slimed them round their faces. Eating them seemed to be a bonus. Belle was laughing at them. She’s come on a lot. When she first arrived, the slightest bit of baby mess nearly made her faint. Now she can really mix it with the muck makers. Worse, when she first came, I hated her guts – and I suspect she hated mine. But we’re OK with each other now – in fact, we get on really well. She’s leaving in a few weeks because she’s starting uni back in France – and I guess we’ll have to start all over again, breaking in a new au pair. I’ll miss Belle. I’ve learnt quite a lot from her and she can be a really good laugh. Today, she offered to make me a cup of tea.
‘I hear you have a new job,’ she said.
‘Well,’I said, taking the mug, ‘I’m going to try it out. It’s dog-walking – but they’re big dogs and valuable. I need to make sure I can do it properly.’
‘Of course you can,’ said Belle. ‘They belong to Greg’s mum, don’t they? They are well trained.’
‘Yeh…yeh…they are…’ I muttered. I could feel myself blushing. This was awful – blushing just at the sound of Greg’s name.
Belle’s eyes laughed at me over the top of her own mug. ‘Soooo….’ she said. ‘We still like Greg.’
I blustered. ‘Of course I do!’ I said. ‘I’ve always liked him. I just don’t fancy him, that’s all – but he seems to fancy me – well, sometimes…’ My voice tailed off. Even I wasn’t convinced.
‘So what about Chas?’ said Belle. ‘Still best friends?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Of course!’
‘But nothing more?’
I sighed. ‘Oh, I don’t know, Belle,’ I said. ‘I don’t think either of us knows quite what we feel. We’ve been close for so long now – but it just doesn’t feel quite right when we…you know…’ I looked at her plaintively, hoping she would understand.
Belle laughed. ‘Make out?’ she said. ‘Snog?’
I nodded. ‘The thing is,’ I said, ‘one of us always pulls back. We kiss and then we just stop. It’s all over ever so quickly. And I don’t know why. It’s not that I’m not enjoying it. Maybe I think Chas isn’t. Maybe I’m worried that we’ll go too far. I just don’t know.’
‘Well I don’t know,’ said Belle. ‘You’re so good, Kate. You think about all these things. You think about whether what you do is right. You pray to God. Me – well, I just have fun!’
‘You make me sound like a geek!’ I protested. ‘Like one of the God Squad! But I do have fun – lots of it! I just – well, I just want to get this right with Chas. It’s really important.’
‘So what about Greg?’ Belle said, fielding a bit of banana that skidded across the table. ‘Where does he fit in?’
I found myself blushing again. ‘Well, tonight he’s walking the dogs with me,’ I said. ‘Do you think that’s OK?’
Belle raised her eyebrows. ‘More than OK!’ she said. ‘Sounds like fun! Does Chas know?’
‘Oh yes – I checked it out with him.’
‘And he’s OK with it?’
‘Yes.’
Belle shrugged. ‘English guys are weird,’ she said. ‘All that – what do you call it? – stiff upper lip? Never showing the emotions. A French guy would never stand for that. He would show his passion. He would be jealous of his rival.’
‘Yes, but Chas isn’t like that,’ I said. ‘And anyway, we’re not properly going out.’
Belle sighed. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘you certainly seem to do a lot of staying in. But if he’s OK with it – well, I’d make it not OK. If I really wanted him. I’d go and have fun with Greg. Make him want me more. He is – what is it called? – taking you for granted.’
‘Belle, you are outrageous,’ I said. ‘I shouldn’t listen to you.’
But I had done. I did.

When I arrived at the kennels that Greg’s parents own, his mum came out to meet me. She had two huge dogs on leads with her.
‘Hello, Kate,’ she said. ‘I’m so glad it’s you that’s applied for this job. At least I know you a little and that you’re kind and respectful with dogs.’
I tried not to laugh. I’ve always been kind to our dog, Rover, but if Greg’s mum could have heard some of the things I’ve thought about him, she’d review that bit about respect!
‘Anyway, tonight I want to start you off with Fairport and Darcy. They’re our dogs - Newfoundlands of course – so I know they’re well-trained and obedient. I like to take them out myself but we’re getting so busy with the kennels and the bigger dogs need a long walk at some stage in the day. The little ones can manage with a good romp in the field. Once you’ve got used to it, I’ll try you with some of the dogs from the kennels – but I don’t want you to have problems with behaviour just at first.’
‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘I’ll do my best.’
At that moment, Greg came out of the house, his own two Newfoundlands, Chloe and Biggles, bounding after him. He smiled cheerily. I looked away, embarrassed.
‘Hi Kate,’ he said. ‘Mum, is it OK if I go with Kate? I have to take Chloe and Biggles out anyway.’
His mum frowned a little. ‘I really wanted Kate to see how she got on by herself,’ she said. ‘Can’t you go later?’
‘Oh Mum,’ moaned Greg. ‘If I promise not to interfere, can I go? If I promise to just stand back and let them molest small children, kill rabbits and cause road accidents?’
He was smiling his most winning smile. I could see his mum wasn’t proof against it and, sure enough, she gave in.
‘Oh, all right then,’ she said. ‘Kate, I’m trusting you – if he starts to interfere, you let me know, all right?’
I smiled. ‘Of course,’ I said. ‘And I’ll let you know if he misbehaves too.’
It took me about three seconds to realise what I’d just said and I wanted to die. How, how, how could I have said anything quite so suggestive?
‘Right,’ I said, bending over Fairport, pretending to check her lead to cover my flaming cheeks. ‘Let’s go then, OK?’
‘Fine by me,’ said Greg, only too obviously amused by my embarrassment.
‘Oh Greg – just a moment,’ said his mum. ‘Seeing as you’re going too, can you drop a couple of letters in the postbox, please?’
‘Mum, that’s right out of our way,’ said Greg, clearly annoyed. ‘I was going to head out into the fields.’
‘Well, do that another night,’ said his mum. ‘The dogs’ll be just as happy with the park.’
‘Yes, but I might not be,’ Greg muttered. Even so, we waited for the letters. There are all sorts of things that I’m not sure I like about Greg – but at least he’s not foul to his mum like some boys are. Of course, I’m foul to my mum sometimes – but that’s different. It’s horrible when you see other people doing it.

We chatted very happily as we walked down the lane towards the shops and the park. I rather liked the way people turned to look at the four enormous, beautiful dogs in our charge. I felt very proud of the way they all walked nicely to heel, even though it’s no thanks to me! It made me want to ask lots of questions about the training and the care and what’s required for competitions and Greg managed to make it all sound remarkably interesting. Then we got onto school and exams and what we might do in year 12 and all that sort of normal stuff and then Greg asked about my family and that kept us going for ages. I realised that I was really enjoying myself. I felt relaxed and happy and it was fun to find out more about Greg. I’ve always been so wary around him and so conscious of how fit he is, that I’ve always been too tense to talk at any length with him. It was only as we were leaving the park that he suddenly put me back in the place I thought we’d left behind ages ago.
‘Oh Kate,’ he said. ‘You are great, you know. If ever you get fed up with Chas, you know where I am, OK?’
I nearly choked. It was shock that made me say what I said next. ‘What makes you think Chas and I are together?’ I gasped. ‘If we were, do you think I’d be here now – with you?’
‘You mean you and Chas aren’t an item?’ Greg looked startled.
Suddenly I realised I was getting into deep water. ‘Err…well…yes and no,’ I said.
‘Yes and no?’ said Greg. ‘What does that mean?’
I pulled a face. Now look at the hole I’d dug myself into! ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ I said. ‘Let’s not talk about it, OK?’
Greg shrugged. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘But I don’t get it.’
No, I sighed to myself. Neither do I. Neither. Do. I.
It was then that I saw the couple coming out of the chip shop, a tall, lean, dark –haired boy and a willowy, girl with long blonde hair, bleached by the sun. I would know the boy anywhere, of course. Chas. I couldn’t be mistaken. But the girl? Who was she? I couldn’t remember seeing her ever before in my life. I was going to call out – but then I stopped myself. Just what was going on here? Just what was Chas up to?
As I stared at the two of them, laughing over the chips they were sharing, Chas suddenly gave the girl a quick squeeze. Just an arm round the shoulders – ever so quick – nothing more than that. But it still gave me a jolt. Who was she? Why didn’t I know about her? Where had she come from?
I was standing stock-still. Greg could hardly avoid noticing what had caught my attention. He let out a low whistle.
‘Well,’ he said. ‘News to you then, Kate?’
To my undying shame – I’m cringing now as I write this – I began to cry. Not huge racking sobs. Just my eyes filling and overspilling and a bit of a snuffle. I really tried to hold back. I really didn’t want Greg to see how upset I was. But that was impossible.
‘I don’t have a tissue, I’m afraid,’ he said and, as if that was any sort of excuse, he leaned forward and kissed my cheeks where they were wet.
Well, I don’t know if you’ve tried snogging someone while you’re holding two dog leads and they’re holding two dog leads. It’s a bit of a challenge, I can tell you. But we managed it. And it was so not like snogging Chas. I don’t want to say quite how – but it was so not. Maybe it was because Greg was so – what? – enthusiastic. But I didn’t want him to stop and I didn’t even think about pulling back. It was just about the most exciting thing I can ever remember happening to me. We had to stop in the end because Chloe began to paw at Greg’s leg. And so we walked back to Greg’s place hardly speaking. And when I said goodbye, Greg just looked at me and mouthed ‘I’ll ring.’ I nodded and walked home in a daze and, I’m not joking, this has completely done my head in. I am so confused – really, really confused. I can’t wait for Greg to phone. But I’d still like to know exactly who that girl is that was eating chips with Chas.

Not the green-eyed monster!

I hummed and haa-ed about it for ages. I nearly rang Vicky – but I just knew what she would say. She’s really anti-Greg. She thinks he’s a slimy, manipulative, opportunistic Casanova who thinks he’s God’s gift to womankind – and the gift is as toxic as Snow White’s apple – and that’s on a good day.
‘But he was very kind when Gran died,’ I’ll say. ‘And he was really nice to me at his party.’
‘Only because he wanted to get inside your bra,’ Vicky insists. ‘Any boy’ll be nice when that’s a possibility. It’s called grooming, kiddo!’
She is so crude sometimes – and cynical. Why does it always have to be about sex when we’re thinking about boys? They must be motivated by something else sometimes – surely? Just being friendly and considerate, for example? Is that such an outrageous idea? I’ve heard people say that boys think about sex every two minutes. Just how is that possible? I mean, there you’d be, doing some complicated Maths calculation and half-way through it you’d completely lose track! On second thoughts, girls do consistently get better results at school than boys – maybe that’s why. And the world is in a terrible mess and it tends to be run by men. Actually, this theory could explain a lot. Depressing though, isn’t it? That so many big decisions might be the result of blokes thinking about boobs rather than bombs.
Anyway…to get back to Greg. In the end, at about half-past eleven, I texted Chas.

Are you awake? Need to talk, I wrote.

Half a minute later, my phone rang.
‘What’s up?’ said Chas. ‘I was just about to turn off the light.’
He didn’t sound at his most receptive but I’d disturbed him then and I knew if I didn’t talk to someone about it, I’d just lie awake and worry.
I explained.
‘So?’ said Chas. ‘What’s the problem?’
Maybe I was over-tired. Maybe I was annoyed that after all that worrying, he was taking it so calmly, as if it was nothing to be worried about at all. Maybe I wanted him to be jealous rather than completely OK with me going for a walk with Greg. Whatever. I wasn’t pleased. In fact, I felt like he’d just kicked me in the stomach.
‘Don’t you care?’ I said (well, squeaked actually, if we’re being brutally honest).
‘Care? How d’you mean?’
It was too embarrassing and difficult to say. How could I explain that, given our relationship, I kind of expected him to make slightly more fuss about me going dog-walking with a guy who had been (and maybe still was) one of his competitors? If he suddenly did the same with Cute Carly (his ex-girlfriend) I'd be really suspicious – even if it was for a job. That just made me feel so mean and petty that I couldn’t say anything at all for a moment. But then maybe I’d read all sorts of things into our relationship that weren’t there. I mean, all we’ve done is snog – and not even that very much. We spend a lot of time together – I mean, he’s my best friend, has been for ages now – but whenever we start getting physical, it never lasts very long. I see people at school or at the cinema sometimes and you’d think they were having a three-course meal, the way it goes on and on and on. But we don’t. It’s a quick fling and then one or other of us stops or makes an excuse. If it’s me, it’s because…well, frankly, it’s because I’m scared, actually. I don’t know quite what’s coming next and I’m not sure I want to go there at the moment. Well, I want to – but I’m not sure it’s right. I don’t know why Chas stops. Maybe he doesn’t really fancy me – maybe he’s just experimenting a bit. I mean, according to Vicky, once a boy starts, he’s almost impossible to stop. It’s like a launch at Cape Canaveral. And maybe the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about he going dog-walking with Greg proves he doesn’t fancy me.
Ouch! I’m sitting here, staring at this screen and I’m trying not to cry. I finished the conversation with Chas pretty quickly.
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘So that’s all right then. You think it’s OK for me to go.’
‘Yeh – course. He’s not going to rape you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I know he’s a bit of a player but he’s OK.’
‘No – I didn’t think that. I just thought with him – well, you know – he did want me to go out with him…’ I trailed off, lamely. Chas just didn’t get it, obviously.
‘Kate, you need the job,’ said Chas. He sounded exasperated. ‘If he gets fresh with you, just tell him where to get off. Anyway, you’ll be a bit safer going with him, than just on your own.’
‘Safer?’ I said. ‘I’ll be with at least two huge dogs!’
‘Whatever,’ said Chas. ‘I’m trying to make you feel OK about, all right? And I’m tired.’
‘Oh, OK,’ I said, in a small voice. ‘Thanks very much. Night night.’
‘Night night,’ said Chas. And that was that.
Doesn’t exactly sound passionate about me, does he? Not exactly keen to defend my honour or fight off all bids for my attention. And I thought we had something special going on – something beyond friendship. The trouble is, I do get jealous so easily. When he snogged Lisa, this cow in our year group who gives me a really hard time because she so fancies Chas, I was terribly jealous. And when I thought he fancied our au pair, Belle. And when he was going out with Cute Carly. But he just doesn’t seem to do jealousy. I can’t understand it. If you care about someone, surely you get jealous? Surely the fact that he doesn’t, means he doesn’t care? Or not much?
Sigh! He once said that whatever’s going on for him and whoever he fancies, he’s never really happy if he’s rowed with me – and I took that to mean so much. But maybe I read far too much into it. I mean, I’d be unhappy if I’d rowed with Vicky and I’m certainly not in love with her. Oh well. At least I know what I’m doing tomorrow. Going dog-walking with Greg. Sorted.

Dog trouble!

Aagh! What have I done about it? That was months ago and since then, things have moved on a lot! I think I had a row with Mum about it everyday for a month. She was just so determined to get on and do it and drag me with her, kicking and screaming, and I was so determined not to have anything whatsoever to do with it.
So who’s won? Me? Well, yes and no. Her? Also yes and no. She’s doing it, oh gosh, is she doing it. She had a mega-clear out of the garage. That caused another row – I so didn’t want her to get rid of some of that stuff – my spacehopper, for example, and my little pink bike, the first one I ever had.
‘But the twins will want them!’ I protested.
Mum held up my space-hopper which, I had to admit, looked more like squashed pumpkin than something you might have a good bounce on.
‘Yeh, right,’ she said. ‘And the bike was third-hand when we got it and has definitely seen better days.’
Yeh, right? Who does she think she is? I so hate it when Mum tries to be cool and ‘down with the kids’. And I so hate that none of my friends seem to mind! Just one person who said, ‘Gosh Kate, your mum is so irritating!’ – uh – I would love them for ever and ever and ever, amen! But no, even Chas, who is my best friend in the world bar none, can’t see it.
‘She’s such a laugh,’ he says. ‘You’ve just got to admire her. She cares so much about stuff.’
‘Chas, she cares about cardboard coffins!’ I said. ‘How mad is that?’
‘That’s because she cares about the environment and she cares about people not being ripped off when they have to have a funeral. Those are good things to care about, Kate – you know that really.’
I pulled a face. I hate it when Chas is right – and he is about that. But Mum is not right to try to force me into working for her, however good a cause it is. She’s also into human rights and freedom of speech and stuff – so I’m standing up for my human right to choose what work I do. I’m sure there’s one about that – there certainly is about not being a slave. Oh,OK, she was going to pay me and it was in line with the minimum wage but that’s not the point – it wasn’t work I wanted to do.
Anyway, I’ve solved it. Or I thought I had – till tonight that is. The arguments went on and on. Mum just didn’t give up. She’d leave it for a while and then have a little go about the amount of money I seem to need and how I was forever wanting to borrow from next month’s allowance and then she’d say, ‘Of course, there’s plenty of work you could do for me, Kate – you know that!’ And that would just send me ballistic.
And then, just when I thought I was going to have to give in because I couldn’t stand it any longer – and I can see that Mum does have a lot of work – it’s surprising how many people want flat-pack cardboard coffins – I managed to find myself another job!
I saw it advertised in the local shop:
DOG WALKER REQUIRED. FLEXIBLE ARRANGEMENTS.
GOOD RATE OF PAY.
Well, I didn’t think the law would be too strict about dog-walking so I rang the number. It was only when I heard the woman’s voice on the other end that I put two and two together.
It was Greg’s mum. Gorgeous or Grotty Greg, depending on your point of view – he who I once fancied like mad and who….well, I’m coming to that later. Greg’s family have loads of dogs – huge Newfoundlands mostly – they breed them. They also run a kennels and a dog-training centre. It was for the kennels that they needed dog-walkers.
There’s a bit of history between me and Greg – well, quite a lot actually. But I decided not to let that bother me. It was a job – a flexible one that paid quite well and that I would quite enjoy. I moaned like mad when our family got our dog, Rover, but now I love him to bits and even like walking him sometimes. It’s good exercise, and if you’re feeling like the world hates you and you hate it, then it’s great to get out and stomp around. And you make the dog happy which always makes me smile – well, almost always. So I reckoned that a dog-walking job was my ideal solution. Mum was actually quite polite about it when I explained. Now that she’s got the business up and running – Ben and Chas have given her masses of help with creating a web-site and using e-bay – she admits she doesn’t need me anything like as much as she thought she would – but she still thinks it’d be good for me to have a job.
‘The trouble is, Kate,’ she said, ‘that you just don’t know the value of money…’
I walked out at that point. I mean, how irritating is that? She just means that I spend too much – well, a job will solve that, no worries.
No worries? Well, actually, lots of worries. I was all sorted to start the job tomorrow – I’ve said I’ll do two evenings a week, straight after school, and a Saturday morning – and then this evening, I got a phone call. It was Greg.
‘Hey, Kate,’ he said. ‘I hear you’ve got a job with my mum.’
‘Yes, that’s right,’ I said cautiously.
‘Well, I walk my dogs after school too, you know.’
‘Really?’ I said. He has at least one Newfoundland himself – I don’t know if he has more now.
‘Yes – so I thought, how would it be if we walked them together? It’d be more fun that way. What d’you think?’
What did I think?! I had no idea what to say. The thing is, I didn’t know how Chas would feel about it. We’re not going out as such – but occasionally we…well, we get a bit physical. Neither of us wants to get too serious – I mean, we’re only 15, we’ve got GCSEs, we don’t want to get all heavy, split up and never been friends again – but I still wasn’t sure whether I felt OK about going dog-walking with Greg.
I could feel myself blushing, just thinking about it. Does Greg still fancy me? He definitely did at one point – and there was a really great, embarrassing day when I slapped him because he was getting too pushy. And do I, even just a little bit, still fancy him? I just don’t know.
What should I say? I really wished my friend Vicky was there to advise me.
‘I’ll think about it, Greg,’ I said. ‘I’ll tell you at school tomorrow. The thing is, I quite like the peace and quiet at the end of a day at school.’
I was bluffing wildly but he didn’t know that.
‘Oh, OK,’ he said. ‘Just make sure you do. See you tomorrow then, all right?’
‘See you tomorrow.’
Aagh! What have I done? What on earth am I going to say to him tomorrow?